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The Vintage Diaries

All about everyday life and relationships

Serendipity Jar

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I often use social media to speak with people that I haven’t seen in a long time. The idea of face-to-face contact seems to be slowly drifting away. It’s nice to see the pictures of my friends and their families, but when you’re single, sometimes those pictures can be a reminder of how difficult relationships can be today. I’ve always been happy for those around me who have found happiness, but I often wonder, why is so hard to find good relationships?

It seems more and more, it’s become difficult to find relationships. Instead, I hear people say that they met someone out of chance or that they met someone and it was too good to pass up. That’s all great, but what about the person who hasn’t been so lucky. Even when we put ourselves out there..we still find ourselves without someone. I have to wonder if there are just some of us who are destined to have good friends rather than good husbands or wives. Perhaps loving ourselves first is the step needed before we can even begin to love another person. I don’t believe that we are destined to be alone. Often what’s meant to be is to have great people who fill our lives with just as much color and happiness as those who are in relationships. No matter what, you can be single and happy. We don’t have to feel that we are missing out on anything. What we may forget is that having a full life and feeling fulfilled brings just as much happiness.

A chance meeting can happen at any time in our lives. There is no expiration date to finding a relationship. We may think that we’re open to it, but our body language says something totally different. Actions can speak louder than words and we don’t even know it. All the signs are there, but we just didn’t see them. A new year has arrived. A year that is fresh for new experiences and a new way of looking at relationships. I would challenge you to get an empty jar, a jar that I called the Serendipity Jar. Every day, write a positive message about relationships and put in your jar. At the end of the year, on New Years, open your Serendipity Jar and read all of your positive messages. I found it really can work and you can open yourself up to whole new relationship.

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Good Vibes

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It’s interesting to know that whenever we meet someone there is a vibe that is given to us. Some vibes are positive and others aren’t. It’s one of the reasons for how we become drawn to a person or not. What makes us likely to allow a person into our lives, but can we control vibes or do we just have to live with them?

At any given moment, we are giving vibes to people. An energy that signals people to draw closer to us or to stay away, we can smile, hug, and express words of agreement, affection and appreciation, attracting people in a positive way. Or, we can push people away with criticism or disagreement. With love, we are giving a positive energy to the people around us. An expression of thanks and a sincere interest in another person’s life, produce positive energy. The more positive energy you send people, the more they will feel appreciated, and appreciate you in return. At the same time, we can overdue positive energy and could make others feel uncomfortable. Whatever type of energy that is being sent, vibes both positive and negative can affect how we feel and see the world around us. There is nothing worse than having to be exposed to someone else’s toxicity. Time shared with someone who exudes toxic energy can be downright unpleasant.

Establishing good vibes should be a relationship standard. No matter what type of relationship that you are looking to have, trying to start a new relationship has a lot to do with the vibes that we give off. It could mean if a relationship will begin or end, this even before it gets a chance to start. Since we now know that we have vibes and give off energy, we do have a choice to give off good vibes. The following is a list of sentence starters that launch good vibes. Deciding to add some to your conversations:

    1. Yes…
      Yes, going to dinner sounds great.” [“Yesbut..” has the opposite impact; but negates the positivity of the Yes.]
    2. I agree…
      I agree that it’s too cold to do any exercise other than skiing today.”
    3. I appreciate…
      I appreciate your willingness to drive.”
    4. Thank you for...
      Thanks so much for getting me moving. I was stuck on my couch all day.”
    5. I like (love, enjoy) …
      I like that suit! Looks terrific!”
    6. That makes sense to me…
      “Bringing a jacket makes sense to me because the weather today is so cool.”
    7. I’m pleased (happy, delighted) that…
      I’m delighted that you invited those guys to join us.”

Good! (Excellent! Great! Wow! Cool! Terrific!, etc.)

Great!

    Let’s jump in the car.”

Smiles, laughing, “eye hugs” from eye contact—and, with intimates, hugs and other physical expressions of affection—go a long way toward generating good vibes with others.

 

What is Your Message?

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Today was one of those days where we try to get as much done as possible. Even the smallest of errands can seem hard to accomplish, but through my travels I saw a young girl walking with a tote bag. Her bag caught my attention, it read: I love guys. I thought to myself that this was one way of expressing her feelings, but then I looked at the bag again. Under the word “guys” there was the word who and the symbol for recycling. I had never seen a bag like that before. Although it caught my attention, as I’m sure it has caught the attention of others, this young girl was making a statement, not only a fashion one, but one that told the world what she was looking for in a partner. It got me thinking, was it the idea of recycling that lead her to this decision, the idea of meeting someone responsible, or perhaps she was an advocate for the going green. Whatever the reason(s) it was a worthy one. I began to think about what brings us to choose characteristics in a potential partner?

Brown hair, blue eyes, driven and ambitious…how do we come to make decisions on the people that we will have in our lives. Then I thought about the laws of attraction. The idea of if we want something and we think about it, then we can make it happen. We think as hard as we can, but it doesn’t seem to be happening. We become frustrated because in our minds we believe that if we think long and hard enough that we will meet someone and it doesn’t happen may cause us to doubt that it will ever happen. However, what many may not realize is the signal that we are sending out. We may say we want to be in a relationship, but deep down inside what signals is the fear that you have of being hurt again. This creates a tug of war inside of us and the message that we are sending out becomes unclear.

It would be great if we could think about that right person and they would just show up, but unfortunately it doesn’t always happen in that way. If you ever thought about where is all the great people date or that all the good ones are taken, these thoughts send messages out to those around us. We don’t always realize that we are doing it, but people do get vibes from us. Much of it has to do with our mindset. Shifting our mindset to there is a lot of great people out there are one way to finding the person that you have been searching for in life. Visionary boards can also bring forth the idea that you have in your heart. It sends a message to you as a reminder and those vibes are what people read in us. Like the young girl who was carrying her tote bag, she was sending a message as to the type of person that she wanted in her life.

Imagine, years later, going back to that visionary board and seeing how the vibes you were giving out helped you to find the people that you were looking for in this path that we call life. The messages that we send are what ultimately becomes what is meant to be and we can be excited about the possibilities that are ahead for us.

Serendipity and the City – All about everyday life and relationships

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The Game of Monopoly

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It seems that no matter what age you are, when it comes to relationships, there is an expectation when it comes to communicating with a new person. You meet and things seem to be okay. A few days go by and you decide to contact them. You haven’t heard from them and doesn’t one of you need to keep in touch if any type of relationship is going to work. What you may find is that you can call, text, or even send an e-mail, but it still takes anywhere from 2 to 3 days or more to receive a response. I often wonder, is playing a game necessary to get to know a person?

Games, what exactly are they and why do so many feel it’s a necessary first step in a relationship. There seems to be this rule that if you don’t play hard to get, then you’re not worth the time and energy. If you are one of those people, let’s face, no one thinks that you are the only one with a busy schedule. The fact is we all live in a busy world and for many who may intentionally make ourselves busy. We fill up our time with errands and work commitments, but unless you are seen as a priority, putting in the energy doesn’t seem as worthwhile. Instead of getting to know a person, you find yourself doing most if not all of the contacting and getting little in return. What I have learned is that playing games doesn’t get you far in a meaningful relationship.

The idea of game playing has become more of a sport. To become more appealing the thinking is absence makes the heart grow fonder. In order to win you have to become a “catch” in order to become a “win.” For whatever reason, divulging too much information about you may disorient the person. Dopamine gives that true love feeling. Some psychologists say that giving up too much information in the beginning drives down the dopamine levels in the brain and they give up. To really work the strategy, end dates and phone calls first and cryptically mention your other plans with little or no elaboration.By keeping to your own life shows that your life doesn’t revolve around him signals that you are still independent.

The battle for competition is real. We can find that the game of relationships is much like the game of monopoly, but in order to pass go and collect $200 dollars, being less available is key. Don’t’ let there be a belief that they have a guaranteed spot on your social calendar. Simply let the person know that you’re very interested in getting together…when you’re not at yoga class or dining with friends.

Feeling Limited

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Relationships..so many of us say that we want to be in them, but yet, so few become involved in them. Maybe it’s because we have this open-door policy to be as a free as we can today. Or maybe it’s because we have become so focused on ourselves that we’re become limited into the amount of time and energy that we are willing to give to another person. Whatever the reason may be, it seems that it’s becoming more and more difficult to meet someone. We rely on technology to be our “absolute match- maker.” Some of us have relied on online pictures and bios to give us the hope that we may have felt was lost in the traditional way of meeting people.

Not that long ago, Cheyenne had met a Sam. She thought that he was a really nice guy. Easy to talk to, had a good job, was motivated; all the qualities that she was looking for in a person. She didn’t expect it, since she was meeting him for work. Although, Sam seemed to respond quickly and he responded to her messages quickly, however, as time went on, Cheyenne found that it was she that was making the calls and sending messages. Even his word became more about sour promises, as he told her they would meet over the holiday break. It never happened. She began to feel her heart sink. Sam would tell her that she was a great friend, and she was fine with that type of relationship. Except he never did anything to be a friend to her and she started to believe that she was cursed? That there was a dark cloud following her, or was it just meant to be that she was to stay single?

A few months had passed and Cheyenne continued to Facebook message Sam. It was the only way that she knew to keep in contact with and she hoped that he would really become a friend. Instead, Sam became nervous over their friendship and began to think that she wanted more.  She explained all that she could about herself to him and he immediately seemed to calm down. It wasn’t that she was too forward, but rather he never took the time to get to know her as a person. I hear these stories often with people. Easily, were the person becomes paranoid that a relationship may be in the works. When in reality it’s just about two people trying to build a friendship. I still couldn’t understand what Cheyenne was going through and then I reached out to a guy who was much younger than I was. I asked him what would make Sam act this way? He responded: “when guys have been hurt enough they shut down. They’ve been disappointed and hurt and they don’t want to go through it anymore.” I thought to myself that’s a good explanation. It was one that I hadn’t thought about. I told Cheyenne and she did know that many years ago, Sam had a very serious relationship. He had been living with Amber and when his work commitments had changed they broke up. Sam had moved back in with his parents and since that time he began to involve himself, outside of a few dates, in his work and a few close friends.

Sam wasn’t willing to open himself to allowing Cheyenne into his life. She realized that until he was willing to work on himself to allow new people in, she would always feel like an outsider.  I think many people today do the same, they keep people on the outside of their lives and they miss out on some really great people. I think the hardest part becomes the pain of not being allowed to get to know someone.  For some of us, we’re okay with letting thousands of people into our lives through Facebook and Twitter, but in person we’ve become limited.

 

Giving a Gift

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As we’re getting older, I find that people are changing. Not so much in their age, but rather in the area of giving. Perhaps it’s because we are all raised differently. We come with a set of different ideas and experiences. One example is being able to give and to receive gifts no matter what type of relationship that you have with a person.

What may be a simple expression of appreciation and gratitude toward person, either a friendship or to a special someone, people can become uncomfortable with gifts. It can leave relationships to feel strained or even push a person away. Giving a person a gift may be seen as a way to enhance a relationship between two people. Think about how you feel when someone buys you a coffee mug or even a lottery ticket as a way of saying “thank you” or a way of saying “I appreciate you for just being you.” Gifts may seem extravagant depending on the person and the relationship, but what if that person isn’t great with communicating their feelings. What if that gift was their only way of communicating their feelings and their most comfortable way of speaking? Often, we don’t realize that gifts can be equal to spoken words.

Not everyone is able to effectively communicate their feelings. Perhaps a simple “thank you” or “I like you” would seem easy. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. The world has become accustomed and even at ease with being around others who think primarily of themselves. It shouldn’t come to this way of living. A simple “thank you” is an expression of gratitude, but for some, the extra expression of giving a gift card can bring about the added appreciation that can’t be spoken. Our relationships are often times categorized or put into compartments. We purposely put people into roles and what each person will people in our lives, friends or more than just friends. Giving a gift according to which role you are in tends to affect the way a person will feel about you. It can make or break a relationship. It shouldn’t have to be this way. We should be free to be who we are and to stay true to ourselves, without the fear of being seen as “buying” the person’s love. Giving a gift either through your words, a physical gift, or both feels really good to know that you can give to someone and make their day just that much brighter is what we need in our relationships. We are meant to be in this world together and for many of us we are taught about giving gifts. Not just during the holidays, but in everyday life.

For a Lifetime

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You do everything you can to move on from past relationships. To some extent, we have all done it. We keep ourselves busy by spending time with friends, working, even meeting new people. It becomes more work to get over a relationship then it was being in the relationship, but what happens when time goes by and you see that person again. You do all that you can to not let it affect you. Although in the end, the feelings return. They can be the most difficult feelings to overcome.

Time and time again, I have seen many try to bounce back from relationships. They have put their hearts on a shelf to overcome the emotions that they have for another person. Not an easy task to accomplish. Months go by and you think that you’re over them, only to see them again and your heart just drops. It drops again just as it did the first time you met them. It can be the most frustrating feeling because this time you have no way of knowing where to put those feelings again. Worse, it means starting the process of trying to get over them again.

The heart has a way of telling us how we feel. A true diagnosis, people can pass away from a broken heart. A real medical condition that no antibiotic or natural remedy can cure. However, too often, we put away our feelings because we feel that we have to move on, or someone has told you that moving on is what you’re supposed to do. It takes seconds to fall in love with someone. Maybe it takes weeks to realize those feelings, but your heart knows different. Your heart knows how you really feel. We can tell ourselves that we’re over them. We can tell ourselves that we don’t have feelings for a person, but the truth is, honesty is the best policy.

We can love people for different reasons and there are different types of love within us. However, at the same time, we shouldn’t ignore the feelings of the heart. Holding ourselves away from our feelings, from what our hearts tell us, is the way to perhaps everlasting sadness and for some, even pain. For many, it relies on the ability to recognize ones’ feelings for someone. Instead, it may mean learning to adapt for the shear sake of moving on. The idea that we have no other choice, but the truth is you can’t help who you love. You’re not meant to.

When you love someone, it’s a gift and if someone has found something about you that has brought them to find deep care for you. I’m not talking about the type of love that is judgmental. Instead, the type of love that I’m speaking about is the kind that is willing to support you, that care about your feelings, and your dreams; while asking for nothing in return. Take it with an open heart and mind that someone has found a great deal of worth for you. That is what is meant to be. Those are the types of feelings when you see someone for the first time, or if you have seen them again, are the types of everlasting feelings that are for a lifetime.

Staying in a Relationship

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I often wonder what happens when you find someone that you really like, but the relationship ends or worse, it’s not even given a chance to start. Where do those feelings go? Do we hide them away for the next person? Or do we pretend that our feelings no longer exist? I like to call that the ‘survival mode,’ where we push ourselves to get over a person. The truth is that at times relationships of any kind can hurt, but what about the people who stay in relationships that isn’t good for them?

I find myself hearing about relationships where people try over and over to make it work. They return to the same person more than once. Good people who stay or return to old relationships for fear of being single or not finding someone else. They feel that they are too old to start over or feel that even the lifestyle that they had this person is worth staying in. Staying in a relationship for the diamonds and pearls is a difficult reason to stay together. Relationships should be emotionally fulfilling. I believe that being on your own can lead to finding the happiness that one is looking for in life. It becomes a road to either finding someone that compliments you and vice versa, or you find fulfillment in the things in life.

Other reasons that I still people stay in relationships may be due to co-dependency or staying together for the children. Although it’s honorable to keep the relationship together for your children, however the fact is, children can sense a parent’s happiness. Today, many young people are living in an era of one-parent homes. It’s not easy to try and do it all by yourself. With the right support systems, a child is able to grow up just as happy as a child with two parents at home.

No one person can create another person’s happiness. That comes from within. It’s important to not compromise your own self-worth. If you find that you are working harder on your relationship than you are at your job, it may be time to try self-reflection. Have the courage and confidence to walk away. Always keep in mind that leaving an unhealthy relationship is going to be less painful than staying in one for a lifetime.

Our minds can get filled with television and movies. It can become easy to fall into the idea of what screenwriters and authors have created for us. At the same time, remember, if you’re unhappy in your relationship, it may be because you choose to remain unhappy. It’s because you choose to wipe your tears secretly and brush your misery under the carpet. You need to understand that you’re not a failure just because your relationship is ending or going nowhere. It just means both of you haven’t been able to understand each other, or are incompatible with each other. Settling in an unhappy relationship may seem like the easy thing to do. This includes going back to the same person, but unless you fix it or decide to walk out soon, you may find yourself living in regret. Rather than living in yesterday, find a reason to live for tomorrow.

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